A Letter to One Once Beloved

I bear you no grudge. I am well aware of the frailty of man, ergo I will not despair at the broken promises. My darling will not be faulted. This is how I want it. This heart does not call for a trial to discern whether or not its beloved has been just. This impetuous heart cannot be found waiting for an answer not forthcoming. It is consumed with remembering only the times it was shown some kindness.

Be well and do not have a care for me because my love is beautiful. It will undoubtedly find its keeper. A lover that will treasure its beauty and adore its sincerity. This lover will know not to lose something this priceless. He will recognize the exquisiteness of my love and consider himself favored.

When you think of me, have only fond thoughts as I only think of you with fondness.
My darling, my dearest darling,you are a foolish one and I will indeed miss you.

God, Love Tea, etc.

I haven't actually written anything worthwhile in a while. I suppose I've been too lazy to organize my thoughts. Yes I have thoughtS... plural!

I will start with the most important. I have of late been trying to re-discover God. It has not been going too well. It seems I am too stubborn and set in my ways, very afraid of the change that comes with walking with Him. I keep looking at it the wrong way. Thinking about the wrong things: "Look at ALL I have to give up just to walk with Him" as opposed to "Oh wow! Look what Jesus sacrificed for me to have a fighting chance at salvation!"

I feel very guilty too because it is not as if I have not been receiving help from Him. Every day since the beginning of my attempt to re-discover Him, there has been one pleasant surprise after another in my life. Every day there's been some proof of first of all, His existence, and then His overwhelming love for me. I feel His hands guiding me always. And yet when that small cautioning voice tries to stop me from doing things or saying things I should not be doing or saying, I simply just ignore it.

I know I'm not going to change overnight and I know He's not going to give up on me either but a huge part of me wishes I could just be much closer to him instantly. I want to be able to look at the people whose mission it is to just piss me right off every day and go "You know what, I'm cool with God so I'm going to let that slide"

When I look at people who are so comfortable with their relationship with God, I feel like I'm missing out on so much. Every day I learn how to pray better in the hopes that this will draw me closer to Him. However, in the last couple of days, I have not done much praying. I have also been feeling.... less - than - christian. What with the feelings I've been having including and definitely not limited to resentment, anger and an overwhelming urge to pour hot coffee in someone's face (yes, I praise him with the same mouth, what's your point?).

Arghhhh, I'm a work in progress!

The other thing I have not wanted to think about in a while is Love. Ah love! Love knows me by name now. And so does the Pain it brings with it. Let me just say that Love SUCKS!!! Big time! Having said that, I will also say this, LOVE ROCKS!!! Clearly I have issues but let's not get into that right now. Love sucks because it is unfair. Unfair in the sense that even when someone screws you over, you still have to love them and wish them well (of course I mean true love in this case). Do you get the hell away from the person, though? Absolutely! But you still have to Love them and pray for them etc.

Now love rocks because when you love the right way and the right people or person the feeling is just out of this world. And your whole world by default just seems so much brighter. Ah, with all the other things going wrong and upsetting me, I have to say I am quite happy. I have so much love in my life: My amazing family, my friends (the good ones though, not the ones that make me want to take out my anger on puppies), my man, and most importantly, my God. Yeah, Love Rules!!!

My flu has forced me to rekindle my love affair with teas: Green, Black, White, Oolong, etc. Girls, the best thing you can do for your skin really is tea! Dudes too but no one really cares about you and your skin:) It's a really really cheap way to get a lot of the anti-oxidants you need. My mom, the Queen of everything tea, has amazing skin. My brothers and I have made fun of her excessive tea drinking in the past. Who's laughing now? I'm so embarrassed - my mom has better skin than I, a young girl of 16. Fine, I'll give you 20. Lesson here? Drink tea! Lots and lots of tea. By the way it also helps with other things like improved fat metabolism. Cheap way to stay in shape:)
(Ok I'm going to pause here and issue a little disclaimer: I am not saying that tea is going to help you drop 50lbs in two weeks. Slowly put down the cheese cake and step away from the table)

Moving on....
Lately I have found myself being impatient when I'm trying to find a matching 2nd for a sock. As a result I have been going around with mismatched socks. Let me just say that it's not that bad, it's even a little cute. This piece of information is neither here nor there I realize but I just thought I'd share.

Finally, I miss MissJ:(
Oh and also I'm addicted to plantain chips - I am currently getting help for that.

Is Sexual Libertinism Morally Acceptable?

One of the thinkers associated with this concept of sexual libertinism is the Marquis de Sade. Sexual libertinism or libertinage is a natural sexual drive inherent and inspired in us by nature. It manifests itself in a number of different ways including rape, incest, prostitution, and sodomy. These four, according to De Sade, are considered most immoral by society. In my opinion the concept itself cannot be immoral because we have no control over what we involuntarily feel. Some of the actions inspired by libertinage however, I consider immoral. They are rape and incest.

De Sade argues that all things inspired by libertinage are fine and should not be considered immoral or something to be ashamed about. He has based his reasoning on nature. He argues first of all that sex is not a crime when it is used for other purposes besides reproduction. This is because if indeed it was wrong and against nature, nature would not allow it. But since nature mandates it by allowing the spillage of sperm and allowing man to derive pleasure from it in other situations, it can be said that it is all right. In defending the actions inspired by libertinage, he also looks to nature. In the case of rape, he argues that man’s natural strength over women, given to him by nature, signifies that nature intended for him to subdue women if they would not freely give themselves. In order to justify incest, he says members of one’s family are the people that nature commands one to love the most. Since sex is not a crime, it should not be a crime to share it with the people one loves the most. Sodomy and prostitution are also acceptable because from his position, the real crime would be in denying what one’s body wants. If a man desires another man and gets pleasure only from other men, being with a woman would mean denying his body – living a lie.

I agree with De Sade on some matters of libertinage and disagree with him on some others. On the issues of prostitution and sodomy, I can agree that they should be morally acceptable. Morality is a sense of right and wrong, often conditioned in us by society and our religious beliefs. What is considered moral is therefore mostly subjective as societies and religions vary from place to place. However, I think that when two people have a mutual agreement on what is right or wrong for them, then it is moral for them. For the most part, people’s religious beliefs and/or their governments, define for them, what is moral and what is not. Religion plays a more significant and personal role in shaping people’s views on right or wrong. However, not everyone in every society is religious. It is therefore still up to people to an extent to decide for themselves what is morally acceptable.In the case of prostitution, as long as one is not being forced into it by another person, then it is not immoral. If one makes the choice to be a prostitute as a means of making a living, it is one’s choice. Our bodies belong to us, if one chooses to use it as a tool to make a living, then by all means, it is all right.I do not think sodomy is immoral. I say this because I do not think that any one makes a conscious decision to be homosexual. I do not see why anyone would anyway as they are often victims of discrimination, hate and injustice. Just as people do not generally decide at some point to be attracted to the opposite sex, people do not decide to be homosexual either. It is natural. Now, as long as one homosexual is not forcing sodomy upon another person, then there is nothing immoral about sodomy.

The way I see it, in the matter of rape, there is no mutual consent. For a man to have sex with a woman against her will is immoral because even though he might see it as his right, bestowed on him by nature, the woman does not agree with this thought. If we are all free men and women, according to De Sade, and we belong to ourselves, then there should be no “possessing” of one or the other, temporarily or otherwise. I also consider incest immoral. This is again a matter of consent. In most cases of incest, it is usually an older person like a parent, being with say his or her child. In a case like that there is no true consent even if the child does not resist. This is because a parent who has loved and cared for the child is in a position of trust and can exert undue influence on the child. This child may not even have his or her own well defined sense of what is right or wrong and therefore there can be no agreement between both parties.Someone may disagree with me on the issue of incest by saying that sometimes it is also between consenting siblings, for example. While that may be true, there is still the issue of undue influence. This sibling may be someone whom it has been impressed upon one to love unconditionally, care for, and cater to as family. In the event that such a sibling tries to have sex with one, one may be opposed to it but the loyalty conditioned in one may overcome any objections.

If De Sade were to disagree with me, it would be on the premise that one should love one’s family and that if one chooses to show this love through a “good thing” like sex, then it is fine. That’s fine but in truth not all families love one another naturally. There are siblings who hate one another or parents who hate their children and vice versa. If they are not naturally inspired to love their family members, then it is possible that those who do love their family members do so because of conditioning. In that case, the argument of expressing one’s “love” for another family member as “commanded” by nature does not follow.

So, while I agree with Marquis de Sade that sexual libertinism is not something to be ashamed of as it is inspired naturally in everyone, based on my own morals, I cannot agree that some of its inspired actions are morally acceptable. Because of the subjectivity of morality, I cannot say that his views are wrong either. I just do not agree with some of them. I separate the concept of libertinage and the actions it inspires. This is because, while we cannot help the basic sexual instincts in us, we can control what we do about those feelings. If each person were to freely let their instincts guide them or to freely do whatever they considered moral without the agreement of others, there would be a state of total chaos.

Coffee Place = Coffee

Yes, every now and again you can find him at a coffee shop. You know, that no-product-in-hair, sporting a five-day stubble, lost-my-inspiration, sitting-in-the-corner-with-my-laptop writer who, by the way, is not having any coffee. So he's been stuck in his apartment for days now and has not been able to come up with a half decent piece. Suddenly it hits him..." In order to get rid of my writer's block, I need to spend a whole day sitting in a coffee shop with my laptop." You know what? good for him. I don't see why it has to be a coffee shop but hey, whatever floats his boat right? At least he's doing something to help himself. Some might even say it is his RIGHT to go into that coffee shop and never leave until he is inspired.

Now, this one-bad-script-away-from-turning-into-a-hobo dude has a "reason" to be there. Perhaps he wants to watch people come and go, study them as they interact with one another, he wants to capture something very natural.... I don't know what his reasons are for sure but I'm pretty sure he's just trying to do whatever it takes to get his work done. Leaving this man aside, let us look instead at the million or so other people who feel it is quite all right to sit around in coffee shops, taking up all the space, with their laptops on the coffee tables. Let's ask these people what the problem really is. What are they avoiding at home? It's a laptop people! You could be anywhere with it- a library perhaps? Why are they all always at the coffee shop? I mean there are people who actually just want to go to the COFFEE shops to just have some COFFEE. Where are such people going to sit If all these other crazies have taken up all the room?

I miss my beautiful Nigerian weather and curse this bloody weather. I am not and will probably never get accustomed to the weather here. This is why from time to time I run into a coffee shop, trying to get away from the cold for a while, trying to get a cup to warm my freezing soul. And then I spot them all. Yes, there they are. Male and female alike. The men with way too much hair product/the women with their pashminas wrapped around their necks, sipping on their pretentious espressos, staring blankly at the Mac notebooks before them. And then the voice from across the counter asks " for here? or to go?" I look around and thirteen or so notebooks stare back at me. Then I grudgingly reply "to go please." I zip up my jacket which I had unzipped earlier when I thought I was going to get some respite from the cold, you know, before I looked around and saw there was no place for me to sit.

When I leave the store I look into it as I walk across. What do I see? I get to see some of the screens and my fears are confirmed...facebook, youtube, myspace..etc. At this point I am outside and it is about twenty degrees below with wind chill that makes it feel like it's -30. I am in this situation because some people thought it would look like something out of a Tom Hanks/ Meg Ryan romantic comedy to sit in a coffee shop and appear to be working on their computers. They go on to spend hours on facebook poking their friends, Watching whatever it is they love to watch on youtube. For the love of God people! The coffee place is for coffee.

Absolute Freedom: Just a Myth?

Friedrich Nietzsche, an 18th century German philosopher proposed a very important mind exercise. In exploring his account of the "Myth of the eternal recurrence of the same", we are asked a simple question: What if at the end of our lives we are asked to re-live it over and over again, exactly the same way down to every last detail, how would we respond?

Not many of us would be thrilled I imagine. There are mistakes we would not like to repeat, situations in which we would not like to find ourselves again, and most of us would wish for much better life experiences than we have already had. At the end our lives many of us will look back in regret over things we have done or could have done; things we said or could have said, etc.

My first question is, "How can we live, now, lives that we would be thrilled to re-live if afforded the opportunity? I ask you now to imagine what you would consider a perfect life - what do you see? (Wealth? health? happiness? power?) Now, is this life you have imagined, with all your conditions, attainable? How much control do we have over the factors integral to shaping this "perfect life"?

It is easy to dream; to envision the type of life you want to live. Here is the real kicker, how do you get it? Do you just "go for it"? And what exactly does that mean- to go for it? It is easier said than done. Most people will tell you that you are the only thing that stands between you and your dreams. But that is not always true. A lot of times, there are influences beyond our control that limit what we can and cannot do.

"Go for it." By any means necessary? At what cost? How much of who you are will you have to compromise to achieve your goals? Will you truly be happy and satisfied on achieving said goals? Some of us know what we want but are unsure how to go about getting it. Are we to blame ourselves? Are we just not taking enough control over our lives? Are we just not working hard enough? And perhaps the most important question, are we not exercising to its full extent, our "will to power”? i.e., do we not, according to Nietzsche, exist on our own terms?

Based on our already lived experiences, it would seem that much of our actions, decisions and thoughts are beyond our control. Sometimes we say “I dunno what happened back there, I couldn't help myself." It seems we are not always in control when we make various choices that affect us and even those around us. Why then are we held responsible for our failures or successes in life? Well, it is mostly because many have adopted Nietzsche’s libertarian position on the matter that we are absolutely free to choose in what direction our lives will go.

But are we really? Why then would anyone willfully live in poverty? To what extent can we control the impact our environment (society?) has on us and the decisions we make? It does seem like we do not have much control over that as we are constantly trying to conform, most afraid of standing out. To what extent can we control the impact of social problems like say, racial stereotypes, which place limitations on our lives? Are we really all that free to choose to be happy?

I suppose we can only try. To a large extent, we are really helpless. Every morning when we wake up, the optimists among us say, “This will be a better day!” and the pessimists brace themselves for the worst. Who is right and who is wrong? Are we fated or can we truly, of our own freewill, effect changes to shape our lives the way we want. The more questions I have, the less answers I have, it seems. Just as well, we can never truly reach absolute truths when the questions are grounded in our nature.

Great minds of ages past could not provide answers, free of criticisms, about this life, the nature of man, and how much control is available to man over his own life. Who am I to pretend to understand? I have reached one conclusion though - Everyday I will wake up and "try". Try to understand not life but my options and the factors that I CAN control. I will try to, despite external influences beyond me, shape a life I would be both proud and happy enough to live over and over again.

Naked Evil

Man is so wicked. God, how do You do it? How do You restrain yourself from smiting this wicked generation? We deserve whatever punishment we get. We are not worthy of the mercies we receive. Brothers killing brothers; Fathers selling daughters; friends betraying friends, and perhaps the most abominable of all, the powerful crushing the helpless. Man, look at yourself and see what you have become!

We are no better than animals. The death of one is no longer cause for shock. The death of a thousand meriting only a passing acknowledgement. Indeed, look at yourself! You say you have come a long way since the caves. You claim you are civilized. Ha! Barely. The cheek of you to even think of calling yourself that! You have no respect for human life. You are deaf to the voices of children crying out in anguish. Why do you look away, you bloody coward? Look them in the eyes, the young ones. Watch them closely as they draw their last breaths. It is, after all, all of your making. Are you proud?

You wage war from east to west. You will not rest until you have destroyed all that is in your path. You agent of chaos! Are you pleased when mothers run through the streets of the city of fire searching for their children? Does it make your day knowing that the frightened child who had no part in the cause of your war is bleeding, crying and dying? He cannot move and he cannot cry out much louder. His mother cannot hear him and she will not find him. He will die wondering what he did wrong. A few blocks away from him, your bomb has also killed young love. They were going to work hard and raise a beautiful family. But you had other plans for them, did you not? You and you war!

The rivers are red with innocent blood. For the greed of man, many suffer. For the thirst for power, many are sacrificed. Why are we so wicked? Why can't we see that we only destroy ourselves when we give into the urge to destroy others? We have ceased to care. The headline says "Mourn, people, mourn. Ten million are dead!". "My family was not one of them" says one; "They probably deserved it" says another. Would you feel differently if it was your mother, your father, your son, or your daughter? How about if you met the family of just ONE of the millions and they told you how they watched their son die? Would you care then? Does it bother you that most of these unfortunate ones die confused? They don't know why they are caught in the heat of things; Why THEY must be sacrificed. For the ambitions of another man?

Ask yourself why you are so wicked. Why is man the way he is? Why are we still wild animals, killing without concern? "Haha, there goes an unsuspecting one! Let us surprise him with an atomic bomb. Let us subject his descendants to genetic mutations that will cause their peers to jeer at them!" CHAI!!! Man why are you so wicked? How did we get to the point where very little offends our senses? How did we get to the point where we would have a child watch as his parents are murdered before him in cold blood?

We will not last much longer this way. It is very clear we are self destruct. It is only a matter of time now. So, carry on wicked man! Time is running out. Carry on with your looting and killing but know this - A day will come when you will have destroyed it all. You will be left standing alone, carrying all your precious stones, blood money and oil in your arms. Suddenly you will see another man with HIS treasures. Your greed will burn through your soul and you will throw yourself at him to take what is his. Foolish wicked man! The river will swallow you up; there will be no saving you!

The Amazing One

Silently sacrificing it all – never a complaint, never a frown.
Forever wanting and praying for the success and happiness of loved ones.
She sits, deep in thought, “How can I make life easier for my great loves today?”

Silently projecting strength – one cannot help but feel its intensity.
Ever hoping that those dear to her heart find the same strength she did.
Her guidance, ever necessary, finds me when I ask “I am lost, what step should I take now?”

Her beauty, her grace, her elegance: Timeless.
Her intelligence, her wisdom, her character: The envy of her peers.
An outstanding woman; I am yet to find her equal.

“Self” does not exist in her world; Service to others is her religion.
The kindest heart ever possessed of a mortal.
Suddenly content, for another is happy.

Is she in pain? No one knows - she is strong for us all.
Is she afraid? There is no way of telling – she is brave for us all.
A true warrior and defender of her own.

Some have called her extraordinary.
Others have called her phenomenal.
The one constant in my life - I call her mother

Challenge Your Perception of True Love

I have read my fair share of cosmo magazines. In a lot of them, I have seen articles like “How to meet the Ideal Woman/Man”; “How to Keep them Happy”; “How to keep Your Love,” etc. Every now and again I find one of such articles a good read. However, I have found that the general message is: If you follow these rules outlined below, you will find and keep your (true) love. Now I, and indeed I hope everyone else as well can see that that is simply not the case. In true love, there are no rules. It is filled with uncertainties, reckless abandon and such. There are no 7 ways to meet “The One”…there are no 10 ways to please “The One”… there most certainly are no 5 ways to keep your love as these magazines often suggest. In true love there are no rules that outline who should make what move and when; no pride, no agendas, no contingencies. In true love one is in with both feet and all or nothing.

If you were talking plainly about a successful and perhaps lasting relationship, then some of those cosmo rules may apply. If you are in fact NOT referring to that inexplicably fiery, passionate, often inconvenient, unreasonable yet sincere love, which consumed Elizabeth I and Robert Dudley, then yes- some of those rules may come in handy. They will teach you to identify and nurture attraction, chemistry, compatibility (a.k.a how much crap can we possibly take from each other and still remain cool). The rules will also help you build respect for one another and then help your relationship last for as long as the false sense of passion (brought on by physical attraction & chemistry) holds up. We can only hope that when that fizzles, you are left with enough respect to remain civil to each other.

The cosmo rules will also help you build a relationship that will conform to the norm- boy meets girl, they (allegedly) fall “in love”, get married, have kids, get bored/divorced/die. Society accepts this as the normal pattern a life should take and it is quite sad. For this reason, most will never experience pure, unadulterated love- they are too busy going against nature and conforming to what is “acceptable” to identify true love even when it lands smack dab in their laps. They will never experience that love that [cliché alert] even when it’s wrong it feels right. The feelings in Beethoven’s love letters to his immortal beloved will forever be lost on many. Granted, true love rarely translates into a “steady relationship” or a “happily ever after” affair. This is because as you will find, if in fact you seek, true love is wild and unconcerned with reason and convenience. It does not have much to do with compatibility either. It can strike two most unlikely people at a most inconvenient time. The story of Katie Morosky and Hubbell Gardiner best illustrates this in “The Way We Were.” Indeed, many great loves are short-lived and may end in tragedy but I am convinced enough to make the bold claim that if such lovers are given a second chance, they would still chose their true love experience over any steady, “happy enough”, relationship.

I believe this because by its very nature, TRUE love makes up for every other pain, failure, and imperfections our lives are plagued by. Even to experience it for a day is more than enough to last any mortal a lifetime and beyond. Until we are willing to break the mould and defy the rules we will be doomed to society’s version of love and happiness. Anyone who expects me to outline a number of ways to fall in love, nurture it and keep it is barking up the wrong tree. You can be sure that there are no such set ways to do any of the above. You must be sincere and vulnerable with no “game plan”. That is the only rule I believe. You see, I am currently looking for this love. And I will find it too. So what if my odds are one in a billion? I’ll take my chances. I will not settle for anything less exciting and less dangerous than true love.

He Is Just Not That Into You

Very cliche title, I know. I can't seem to get it out of my head though. Last night, I was watching a program on TV (I can't for the life of me remember what it was about) and one of the speakers had authored a book by the same title. And so I got to thinking- How many of us even entertain this thought? And of those of us who do, how many of us accept it?

First time I heard this line was on the show "Sex and the City." Miranda (for those of you who do not watch the show, Miranda is one of four friends all of whom have been to hell and back relationship-wise and have learnt a thing or two bout men) was having lunch and she couldn't help but over hear these two younger ladies. One was complaining to the other about a man she had gone out with. The fellow still had not called her and she was making excuses for him - his boss got laid off, he's under a lot of stress and he's getting his kitchen re-done.Miranda, having been in such situations herself, walked up to them and said " I'm going to tell you something that will save you a lot of heart ache, something I wish someone had told me when I was younger. He's just not that into you." After saying that or something like that, she walked away. The look on the girl's face suggested that she thought this over, realised it could be true, and just as quickly as she accepted it, she rejected it. Turning to her friend, "What a Bitch!" and her friend doing what most friends do best agreed with her "I know, who asked her. Whatever, he will call you." Can you say "Denial!"

My close friends know just how I love to say random things. I wanted to say this line to someone so bad. I would say it with that yes-I'm-wise look on my face and change someone's life forever. No I would not just say it randomly during a conversation about 'fur vs. faux fur'. I would wait for the perfect time. I would find that confused friend who was hopelessly lovelorn, and then I would look upon them with warmth, pity, sadness and wisdom in my eyes. And I would say to them, "I love you hun, so I must be honest with you, he/she is just not that into you." They would cry, and I would console them, and eventually they would get over it and thank me for the single most liberating phrase anyone has ever put to them.

The task at hand was to find that perfect someone. It was tough. I was surrounded by a lot of single people and a lot of casual daters who couldn't care less. It looked like it would never happen for me. When I decided to move to Toronto, I figured I'd meet more people - in love and lovelorn alike. I got caught up with school and life and I forgot about my quest to be the architect of the defining moment of another's life. That is of course until I saw the phrase again last night. I became excited once more. I told myself I would find that sad person. That person who has had it tough in the relationship department, who has looked for love in all the wrong places, who has been disappointed again and again, who has held on to the belief that "he will come around eventually," who has remained optimistic in a case where optimism is nothing but poison. I would find that boy who explained "Stay away from me, you freak!" as "Awww she's playing hard to get." I would find that girl who explained "The Silent Phone" as "Well I guess he's busy but I know he's thinking of me." That girl who waits patiently for the day he turns around and says "Where have you been all my life?"And when I find her I would change her life forever with those seven words "He Is Just Not That Into You."

Happy with the rekindled interest in my mission, I got up from my bed and thought to myself "I'll go take a shower, sleep, and when I wake up, I'll begin my search. I must find that person and complete my mission." I walked into the bathroom and I looked in the mirror. I caught my breath as I saw staring back at me the very girl I had been looking for. Mission accomplished!

My State of Mind: October Last Year (2007)

I know that the world does not stop for anyone....and who am I to ask it to pause while I catch my breath? That is asking too much. But is it too much to ask that the universe cuts me some slack every once in a while. I know everyone has problems but come on, throw in one more glitch and my life officially becomes a tragedy. Why can't I get away with one or two things? Life is filled with ups and downs. Where have all my ups gone to????I see some arrogant bastards waltzin' through this life not having to fight for anything...and while some eventually come to a road block, some get away with it. What makes them different? Why does it seem like I'm being singled out here? One struggle after another.

That's life for a whole lot of people. I know. Still, knowing that doesn't make it ok, or any easier to handle. I've met all kinds of people. I've met some amazing people, I've met a lot of assholes. And for some reason, the assholes always seem to be better off. Now I know all that stuff about karma and all but in the real world I don't think everyone gets their just deserts. For crying out loud, I am a good person!!!!!! Why don't things EVER go the way I want them to? Now, before I start sounding like a spoilt kid who wants what she wants when she wants it, let me say this: I am not asking for anything out of the ordinary here...I'm not asking that all that my heart desires, it gets. I am asking that once in a while, I have a reason to genuinely smile. You know? Smile from the inside. I'm asking that 24hrs go by without me having to make or not make any decisions that could potentially destroy the rest of my life.

Maybe I'm asking too much. Maybe I think that just because I'm a woman trying to find her way in this crazy ass world alone, I deserve some kind of a break. There are a lot of people who go through some deep shit and they conquer and come out on top. That's awesome. I am the way I am. I'm not always strong. Sometimes I break under pressure. But I love myself because I don't stop. I always get up ( with the help of family and very few close friends) and keep going. But I'm supposed to see some kind of light at the end of this tunnel. Still pitch dark. I can count on one hand the number of people who truly know exactly some of the nonsense I've been through. You know what's amazing? They know these things about me and they are still here. Some are gone (and good riddance too).

I have some pretty awesome friends and my family is just amazing. I have people I call in the middle of the night crying for no apparent reason, and they put up with it!! hahahahaha. I'm blessed in that way. This in the only reason why despite all the crap the universe tosses at me, I wake up every morning ready to give things another shot. I'm working hard now to make sure that I can't be faulted for not trying. Life is still full of bull and annoyingly fortunate people :-), but I deal. If for nothing else, for the people who love me, who are watching my face closely to see if that wrinkle is a smile or a frown, the people to whom I owe what little happiness I have. It doesn't cost much to smile. I just hope that one day, they will see a true smile and not the lie that I slap on my face every now and again.